Happier Grey Podcast with Bhavini Lakhani

Helen: Hello and thanks for joining me, Helen Johnson, for the Happier Grey podcast. I'm pro-ageing and love my grey hair, but I know it can be quite intimidating to take the plunge, so each week I'll be chatting to other women who've chosen to embrace the grey in the hope of inspiring and supporting you, whether you already have silver hair, in the process of going grey, or just considering ditching the dye.

Today, I'm joined by Bhavini Lakhani. She's a graphic designer specializing in brand identities and marketing collateral, an obsessive drinker of good coffee and eater of pistachio tiramisu, which is very specific, I have to say.

Bhavini: It is very specific. We went to Rome earlier this year and, I had pistachio tiramisu for the first time ever and I just completely fell in love with it.

Helen: I should say good morning. I didn't get that far. Do you actually make the tiramisu yourself now?

Bhavini: I haven't attempted it yet, however, I have got all the ingredients ready and waiting in the kitchen so that I can give it a go, in the half term holidays, and see how it turns out.

Helen: I'm sure it'd be delicious.

Bhavini: I hope so.

Helen: I'm going to start by asking you, when did you find your first grey hair? Can you remember?

Bhavini: I actually can't remember, but I know it was when I was in my teens, maybe early 20s, there was one or two strands that appear. But I remember feeling really panicked and upset about it, and thinking, oh my God, not already.

Helen: Did you start dyeing your hair at that point? 

Bhavini: No. I think I only started dyeing it probably when I was in my mid to late twenties. Because one or two strands, it was fine once I'd got over the initial shock, but then I started discovering more and more as the years went on. And it got to a point where it made me feel uncomfortable about myself, made me feel like I was getting older before I was ready to get older, which is bizarre, I know.

So, I started dyeing it then.

Helen: Okay. And what colour did you dye it?

Bhavini: I just put a dark brown black box dye over it. To try and cover it up. 

But then obviously that meant for the next few years, it was every sort of six to eight weeks of, uh oh, roots are showing through. And every time there was more and more grey. Which obviously, when you're dyeing your hair so often, you kind of don't notice unless you really let the roots grow out a bit, do you?

Helen: I think it's a bit of both, if I'm honest, because I think when you're dyeing your hair, you think you've got lots and lots of white,

Bhavini: Yeah.

Helen: Particularly if the roots don't grow very much. And then when you do grow it out, you're like, oh, I don't have nearly as much as I thought I had. I don't know whether you found that too?

Bhavini: I think I was the opposite. When I stopped dyeing it, we're going back, to sort of middle of 2018 now. 

My initial sort of thing was I can’t believe I’ve got that many. There was more than I thought. And, I did question that decision to stop dyeing it quite a few times over the first 12 months.

But then I persevered. And when actually the dyed parts of my hair were finally all grown out, people thought I'd dyed my hair grey because of the way the grey hair had come through. It looks like highlights. It's very salt and pepper. And even now actually, I always get asked if it's natural or whether I've had it highlighted, that colour.

Helen: Because your natural hair colour is black, is it? 

Bhavini: Black. Yeah. 

Helen: Yeah. And how old were you when you decided to grow it out?

Bhavini: So, 2018, I would have been 37 or so? Yeah, 37.

Helen: Which is on the young side of when people decide to do it.

Bhavini: Yeah. Yeah.

Helen: And how did your friends and family react?

Bhavini: My friends didn't really think anything of it.

My Mum, who went grey quite early as well, was quite supportive about it. And said, oh you know good you’re not going to be putting any chemicals in your hair or anything like that anymore.

My husband was a bit sceptical about it, not knowing how I was going to feel about it myself and whether it would have any negative impacts on me as a person. But he wasn't not supportive of the decision, if that makes sense. He questioned me, but he questions me with all of my decisions and I think that's a good thing. But once he'd seen how determined I was to actually just stop dyeing it and grow it out, he was really supportive.

Helen: Cool. My husband offered to dye my hair for me, which was so not happening.

Bhavini: My, kids, so I've got two girls, the youngest is 11 and she's got such a wicked sense of humour. She regularly reminds me, or tries to remind me, that I'm old because I've got grey hairs and just takes the piss out of me. It's hilarious.

Helen: But it doesn't bother you, obviously.

Bhavini: No, no, it doesn't because I'm really comfortable with it now. Like I said, the first 12 months were really hard. But I think that's because you've got your roots growing out so you're kind of trying to deal with that, half and half sort of situation, and you kind of look like you've not had time to go get your roots done, or dye your hair.

So, people sort of look at you a bit funny, and don't really ask about it, because they think it's something that might upset you, if they ask or something. But once it had all grown out my hair was a bit longer, and it was obvious that it wasn't just a, I've not had time to dye my hair sort of situation.

 I felt a lot more comfortable about it.

Helen: Yeah. I think for me, when I first started drawing it out, you just feel a bit of a mess.

Bhavini: This is it, You do.

Helen: Because you’re so conditioned with the roots.

Bhavini: Yes, yeah. And we're so conditioned to hide those grey hairs, aren't we?

Helen: Mm hmm.

Bhavini: So conditioned to believe that, oh, you're going to look old before your years, or you look terrible if you haven't covered up every grey hair that's growing.  And because I'd been doing it for so long, I really believed that.

Even doing the school run was difficult. You know, you're not going out anywhere, are you? You're just, you're dropping your kids to school. But I even struggled with that initially. I wore a baseball cap for a while. 

Helen: You just think you're going to be judged by the other ones in the playground.

Bhavini: You do, you really do?

Helen: When in fact, they're probably just not that bothered.

Bhavini: They don't care. They just want to get their kids into the gates and into school and, you know, let their day start. But yeah, it wasn't until I think about maybe 12, 14 months into growing it that I actually felt. Yeah, this was definitely the right decision.

Helen: Yeah, I think in that early phase, everybody has good days and bad days.

Bhavini: I think about, maybe about eight months after I'd stopped dyeing it, we were due to go on holiday and we went to Perth, Australia. I remember the weeks leading up to us going, I quite often thought, oh, should I just dye it? Just this once, just while we're on holiday, just so that I don't look a mess while we're on holiday.

And I didn't, I didn't dye it in the end. It was what it was. And I'm really glad I didn't. But I was very tempted.

Helen: Yeah. Mine spent all its time in a ponytail, pretty much. 

Another question for you, if you let your hair grow out in 2018, you were kind of a little bit ahead of the curve because obviously a lot of people did it in Lockdown, have you noticed any difference in the reactions that you get now to what you got when you first did it?

Bhavini: I think people, not necessarily reacting differently to it, but feel more confident to ask about it and ask why I did it. And ask why I did it.

Helen: Uh huh.

Bhavini: And I'm happy to talk about it. I don't mind, I feel there's nothing to hide, is there really? And I quite often get people coming up to me saying, I wish I could do that. I wish I had the guts to do that. 

I think maybe last year, or the beginning of last year, I was in our local Boots, just killing time before I had to pick the kids up from school, and there was another Indian lady in the same aisle as I was. She's maybe the same age as me, I've never met her before, and I ended up having a sort of 20, 30-minute conversation with her.

Not necessarily just about hair, but because she saw me in the aisle, she did a bit of a double take, and she said, Oh my God, your hair. I wish I had the guts to do that. And we, you know, had a conversation about why I did it. How hard it was initially. And then just talked about her kids, and my kids, and sort of where we live locally to each other. Never saw her again.

But yeah, I feel people are now more willing to just come up and talk to you about it.

Helen: Which is good. One of the reasons I'm podcasting is just to kind of break down the fear, and break down the misconceptions around it.

Bhavini: Yeah, yeah. It is very scary initially, isn't it? 

Helen: More in your own head, I think.

Bhavini: Yeah, oh yeah, yeah.

Helen: So, why did you decide to grow out? I didn't actually ask you that. 

Bhavini: Because I got tired of how long it would take for me to, either go to the hairdressers and spend a lot of money every few weeks to cover up those roots, or buy a box dye at home and cover it up. It was either really time consuming, or it was really costly. 

And I just woke up one morning and thought, I'm fed up with this. I can't be bothered anymore. It was literally that. It was, I cannot be bothered to spend time doing this. Let's just stop and see what happens. It was really that simple.

Helen: So, I think you just came to a point where you questioned whether it was important to dye your hair and thought, actually it's not.

Bhavini: No, no, it wasn't. It really wasn't. No regrets on that decision at all.

Helen: I think when I first met you, you might've had an odd pink streak in your hair. 

Bhavini: Yes, I did. Because we met at Atomicon back in June, and I had a little bit of a pink highlight. I have got more pink in my hair at the back just as like a little pop of colour. 

Helen: Uh huh.

Bhavini: I grew up in a very traditional sort of family where, you know, even as a teenager, doing funky things to your hair was maybe a little bit frowned upon, maybe, you know, what are people going to think?

And just after COVID, I got itchy feet and I thought I've always wanted a pink streak in my hair or a red streak in my hair, why don't I just try it, and see what happens, and see whether I like it or not. And I really loved it. And I especially loved it because it stood out really nicely against the salt and pepper.

Helen: Yeah. So, you like to have a bit of fun with it from time to time.

Bhavini: Yeah, I do. It's not all over. I don't think I could do pink all over. But I feel like having that sort of like hidden peekaboo sort of strip of colour, it's a little bit like I am in my personality as well. I can be quite reserved and quite shy. But actually, when I get to know people or when I'm in a group of friends who know me quite well, I'm quite a fun, outspoken person.

But I'm not always like that. It's an expression of my personality.

Helen: Is it a semi-permanent colour I'm assuming?

Bhavini: Yes, so it's gonna wash out in however many washes it is, yeah.

Helen: Can I ask you about shampoos and conditioners then? Do you use a special shampoo?

Bhavini: I do at the moment, because the colour that's been put on it is a brand called Elumin. By a company called Goldwell, so I've got the Elumin colour shampoo.

Helen: Okay.

Bhavini: That I use just so that while it is in my hair, it doesn't look brassy or orange when it fades and it stays quite nice.

Helen: Okay. And when you're not colouring it, have you experimented with any of the purple shampoos? 

Bhavini: No. No, I haven't, I haven't.

Helen: Me neither, but I know a lot of people do just to stop the yellowing.

Bhavini: I've heard that it is recommended, but I haven't necessarily, even when there's no colour in my hair, I haven't necessarily noticed any yellowing of the greys or anything like that. So, I haven't felt a need to use it, but you never know.

Helen: Maybe one day when we have more.

Bhavini: Exactly. Maybe one day.

Helen: cause my natural hair colours, like a dark blonde anyway, so I just look like I've got highlights.

Bhavini: Brilliant. I love that. Love it.

Helen: Okay. I'm just going to ask you a more general question about ageing

Bhavini: Okay.

Helen: and your attitude to, where you're at in the ageing process and whether you're doing anything to age healthily?

Bhavini: I don't mind sharing this, I'm 43. So still relatively young, I think the one thing I'm doing to sort of help, I don't know what the right term is, age well, age healthfully, is working with a personal trainer to do weight training sessions.

I walk daily, not just for sort of, you know, as I get older, but just as I need a break and actually for my mental health as well. It's good to not just be sat in front of my desk all day working. I like going out and getting some fresh air, and listening to a podcast or some music. 

So, I try to stay as active as I can. That's about it really. I haven't been doing anything else, whether that will happen in the future or not, I don't know.

But at the moment I feel like the weight training, and the daily walking, and staying active is working for me.

Helen: So, the weight training, did you start that to get stronger so that you can be fit and healthy?

Bhavini: Did it initially as a, I want to lose a bit of weight, sort of thing, but actually that quickly changed to, ooh, I can pick up something really heavy. This feels great. And it was then a case of, I actually feel really strong. 

And actually, I found myself walking differently as well. Like my posture was quite different once started weight training. So, I think that that's why I carry on. Because it helps me feel good about myself and it helps me feel strong.

Helen: Okay. I started it in April this year.

Bhavini: Yeah. Are you enjoying it? Hmm.

Helen: Yeah, I really like it, but it's been really interesting because I've done yoga for like 10, 12 years before. And, I think everybody's got parts of your body that are more flexible than others. And so, you cheat basically when you're doing yoga, but the weight training has actually helped me with some of the areas that are stiffer.

Bhavini: Oh amazing.

Helen:  because I have to move in certain ways to be able to hold the bar or to do various things. So, it makes you work different areas. 

Bhavini: Does it?

Helen: It probably has helped with the yoga and it's definitely helped with running because I also run.

Bhavini: Brilliant.

Helen: Yeah, it's good. It's good to have a mix.

Bhavini: Yeah, I think so. I think so. My personal trainers recently started introducing training sessions where I have to do a bit of running mixed in with the weight training as well. And I've always been somebody who is, I don't like running. Absolutely hate it. Well, actually, it turns out I really like it.

It's not something that I'm going to take up permanently. And I don't think, I could do like long distances, you know, 5k or, not that that's a long distance, but you know, I don't think I'd ever be doing something like that, but the little bursts of running that I do in the training sessions, really enjoy it, really love it.

Helen: That's good. Well, I'm glad you found a mix of exercises that you enjoy. 

I'm going to ask you one last question. If somebody came to you and said, I'm thinking about going grey, what advice would you have for them?

Bhavini: Don't listen to anybody else's opinions on why, when, how you do what makes you feel comfortable.

I think that's really important because if somebody had said to me, why don't you stop dyeing your hair? I wouldn't have done it. I did it on my own terms, and I think it's really important to do it on your own terms.

Helen: Yeah, I think from the various people that I've spoken to, the ones that were at peace with the decision when they started it,

Bhavini: Yeah.

Helen:  have been really happy and said that they found the whole process at the end of it very freeing.

Bhavini: Liberating.

Helen: Yeah. Whereas there've been a couple of people who've had no choice. They've just had to stop dyeing it and they are much less comfortable with their appearance now than the others.

Bhavini: Yeah, I guess it's the control of it all is taken away from you, and you feel like you're just, you're being forced into doing something that you maybe weren't ready for. 

I know when I stopped dyeing it, even though there was no real, big push behind why I made that decision, because I'd made it on my own. I felt comfortable with it. I knew I was ready.

Helen: Yeah, and you're more likely to stick with it as well.

Bhavini: Exactly. And I did. And I might add in another flash of colour at some point, over the years, but I know I will never ever cover up the greys completely again.

Helen: Cool. Well, in that case, I'm going to say thank you so much for talking to me. It's been really interesting finding out about your story.

Bhavini: Thank you very much for asking me to be on the podcast.

Helen: Cool. Have a great day.

Bhavini: And you too.

Helen: Thanks so much for joining me for this week's show. I hope you've enjoyed it as much as I have. I'll be back again next week, but in the meantime, you can follow me on Instagram at happier.grey. Have a great week.